I can’t run, I can’t hide, and I sure can’t deny what I know to be true. I can assure you that I’ll be drowning in tears as I write this because this is something that I’m deeply passionate about. People have watched me grow over the years, but they have also watched me resort backwards at times. Usually when we go backwards, it is because we have experienced something so hurtful and life changing that we begin to hesitate or question if we want to continue forward. I’m not ashamed to say that this has been my experience. I have seen other women who have lost their husbands continue in ministry, continue going to church every Sunday. I have wondered why it has been so hard for me. Why has the deep blow of losing my husband been so different. Then God reveals how different my experience was. Women who have experienced what I have usually sit silent. Yet, God tells me to write. I feel God tugging my heart so strong and intently that it humbles me to tears. I feel honored that He would still consider me. I feel blessed that He still thinks of me. I am confused at times because I don’t feel worthy. How is it that a God who has millions of other people He could spend His time with, choose to tug on my heart?! I feel all of these emotions and yet I’m still willing…
Then it is clear to me. He chooses me because He knows I won’t say “No”. He knows that I love Him too much. He knows that I feel obligated because of every time He saved me from death, and every time He healed my heart. He has kept me, protected me, and loved me through so many things including people. People who wanted to destroy me, taint my character, and see me fail. Oh how I love Him!! I am completely drenched in tears now, because I know He is pushing me forward. He’s been tugging my heart to do something specific for a while and it’s not easy for me, but It’s not even about me anymore. It’s about giving Him Glory in all things like I promised Him years ago. There’s no way I can ignore when He tugs on my heart.
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
— Romans 8:14
If you are in a hard place because of hurt, disappointment, and grief, please know it is okay to experience these feelings. Life will knock us down several times but only the strong will find the will to get back up and keep moving forward. I would urge you to pray, even when you don’t feel like it. Prayer has always been a place of escape, a place of safety, and a place of worship for me. People may turn away but God is always there and available to listen to you when you’re hurting. He is a safe place! When you feel Him tugging on your heart, instead of ignoring it, realize that He cares about you and He loves you enough to consider you.
God bless you!
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