It’s been three years since Jimmy passed away and I’ve noticed a pattern. It always starts a few days before October hits. Out of nowhere I’m crying uncontrollably and it doesn’t matter where I am or who’s around. I just can’t hold back my tears. I lose focus, motivation, and I am burdened by complete sadness. I’m not even sure why when it happens because mentally I’m not paying attention, mentally I’ve blocked out the reasons why but my heart always remembers. So yesterday as I balled my eyes out I prayed through the tears and asked God why. Then I noticed the date. Tomorrow is October.
October 1st was our Wedding Anniversary
October 16th I gave birth to our second daughter
October 19th Jimmy passed away
October 25th is my grandma’s birthday (the woman who raised me RIH)
I don’t know why I’m always surprised at how sudden my emotions take a shift. These events all in one month is a lot on the heart, the mind, and the soul. My grandma’s birthday reminds me of how much I miss her and how I wish I had spent more time with her before she passed. I’ve suppressed my feelings which is why now, I write, I cry, I take time to deal. I release it all. Some people are good talking through it but that’s not me. It’s important that we find ways to deal with our tragedies instead of suppressing them. Me being vulnerable this way takes strength and courage but it helps. I pray that you have the strength and the courage to do what’s best for you too.
I don’t know if this will ever pass but as for now, I’m still learning how to deal with it. I’m still praying. Most importantly I’ve learned how to live through it instead of allowing it to cripple me. Jimmy will always be in my heart. I can’t help but think of him when I look at these beautiful little girls. They are a part of him and I see so much of him in them.
Although I may be sad today, there’s a promise that’s embedded in my heart that says “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”
Psalms 30:5 NKJV
Tomorrow I’ll be dancing and singing again. The memories of what I saw and what I experienced will never be easy but I’ve found joy in knowing that God still has plans for my future. It’s okay to have a moment of grief but don’t dwell there. There’s so much ahead of you. So much life to explore. You still have PURPOSE! Never lose sight of that because there are people who NEED YOU.
Thank you for walking this journey with me. It means everything.
Sheneka L. Terry aka Peculiar Butterfly 🦋
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